Monday Blessings.....on Tuesday.

Give Me Five things you like and/or dislike about your birthday. IT IS NOT MY BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY WAS IN MARCH.


5) Cheesecake Factory. Every year my wonderful husband takes me to eat there...I get to eat lots of yummy food and GOBS of cheesecake!!!

4) Build-A-Bear Workshop. Somehow this has become my birthday tradition to take the kids to get new Build-A-Bears and then eat at Cheesecake Factory!

3) Girl's Night Out.....this year we went bowling! IT was SO fun!!!

2) ME day. It's MY day....not yours...I get what I want.

1) Being thankful that I've made it another year! Yay!!!

Monday Blessings

I'm borrowing this from my friend. She's over there to the left. Her blog is called "Cheaper by the Half Dozen." Read it.

10) That God gave me two of the most wonderful children ever. Even when they're driving me bonkers, I'm utterly blessed.

9) COUPONS!! I bought 2 weeks of groceries, ALL of Thanksgiving Dinner supplies and food (including the turkey), 2 birthday presents each for my kids for $299.00. GOTTA LOVE COUPONS!

8) Vitamin Water. Especially the B-Relaxed flavoer with jackfruit and guava.....YUM!

7) My husband. I adore him more than anyone in the world....even when he's being lazy. LOL

6) My best friends, Lori, Rene, Kisha, Brenny and Leiann.

5) Lip Gloss. I think I'd fall over without it. Okay, probably not...but it's a necessity!

4) Digital cameras! I love taking pictures. It's so fun!!!

3) Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Kylee and I would eat a tub of peanut butter if we could.

2) My job and home. Even though I'm about to sell my house, I'm thankful that I have a home to live in, and a job to go to every day that pays the bills.

1) God. If it weren't for God, let's face it, I wouldn't be here. Other than that, He's my saviour, my friend, my father. I have 100% of my faith in God, and I know that He will always be here for me.


God bless you all!

Bad News......

So, I spoke with my doctor yesterday afternoon. He hadn't received the radiological report yet, but he asked me how it went. I informed him of everything, and explained what was said about the IUD. He explained to me that there is no way that the IUD would be causing infection in my breast. *joy*

SO, I was instructed to call him back Monday afternoon, and "we'll go from there." So, the issue is still open, and we still don't know what it is.

I explained to my friend Kisha, that even if they told me it was cancer, it'd be easier to handle than NOT knowing what it is. At least then I'd know what I can do next to get well again. Whoever said, "Ignorance is bliss" is a moron.

My Day at the Breast Center

Well....I was nervous...I think my Tatas were more nervous than me. I enter the building, and sit in a waiting room. There, 2 other ladies and 2 men sit waiting. A 3rd lady comes out from the back into the room, crying. She'd just been given the good news that she did NOT have breast cancer. The other 2 ladies and one man hugged her hard, I just smiled and continued to fill out my paperwork. They all held hands, and said a prayer. Then, they included me in their prayer. There was this warm, tingly feeling inside me that had tears springing to my eyes. They smiled at me, and left. The 2nd man went to his car. (I think he was offended by the prayer....OH WELL!) I sat alone, and in walks a petite nurse.

"Follow me, please." She's VERY nice, instructs me on how to wear my gown, open to the front, and to put on a white robe and wait to be called. The second waiting room is very quiet and peaceful. I sit, twiddling my thumbs and feeling the flutters and that odd warm sensation in my tummy. Of course, I texted Rene to tell her that God was with me....and He was. I felt Him.

The Radiologist Tech came in, "HI! My name is Oxana. I'll be taking care of you today." She's small. (It must be a pre-requisite to work here that you have to be petite) She's from India, maybe Pakistan and has a thickish accent, that I find charming and relaxing. I lay on the bed, and she opens the gown. The entire time, I'm not uncomfortable because she's so soothing in how she's talking to me. Finally...the goop. I cringe, just KNOWING it'll be cold, but it's not. It's very soothing and warm, and smells of some type of flower. COOL!

She's chatting with me the entire time, taking my mind off of everything. I'm watching the screen...half expecting to see a little foot or head. Pregnancy ultra sounds are just way cooler, the inside of your boob is very boring. I tense up every time she "snaps a picture" and think..."this is it....that's the cancer...." Finally, she hands me 2 towels, and says, "Go ahead and clean up, and I'll be back with the radiologist. He may want to scan you again."

So, I sit. Then, I sit.....and oh I sit some more. Finally, I get tired of sitting so I lay down...and doze. The room is very dim, and all of the 'white noise' from the machines is soooo soothing, and off to never-never land I go. I startle at the sound of the door open, and groggily sit up to see the first tall person in the building. He's the Radiologist..."Hi, I'm Dr.........(I can NOT remember his name)." He asks me 300 questions about cancer in my family, if I've had a fever, etc. Then he says, "Open your gown, let me look at both of them together." For the first time all day, I felt exposed and uncomfortable. When I opened my gown, I swear it was like peep show! LOL
Finally, he scans me again, and then we're done.

"Well," he says, "I can't see anything that has fluid in it. I'm going to suggest we put you on another round of antibiotics, and see how it goes." Then we discussed the possibility that my IUD could be causing the infections. See, most IUDs are metal wires, but noooooo, I got the Mirena, which has hormones in it. The type of hormone in the IUD is different than the pill, and b/c I just had it put in, it could be giving off high doses of hormone that is causing the infection. "And you know," the dr. says, "your uterus is attached to your breasts." I think he was trying to be funny....but it was wasted on me. So then he says, that we're going to do another round of antibiotics, and he wants me to take the IUD out. I'm not happy about this at all, especially since I was informed I can't take birth control anymore. So, now, Brian and I are faced with "the big question". Do we want more kids? We can't afford more, now, and do we really want to go through the sleepless nights, diapers, baby food expenses, child care expenses again??? The answer is most decidedly no. So, I'm very very sad. I think I'm more sad that the option is about to be taken away from me, more so than not having a baby. (Brenny, you understand what I mean) So.....now Brian is going to be getting a vasectomy as soon as we can afford to do it. *sigh*

So...the jist is this.....Get IUD out, get back on Antibiotics, wait 3-4 months to see if A) it doesn't get better or B) it comes back.....if either of those occur, I will need to return for a skin biopsy.

Breast Cancer.

I've had a lot going on in my life recently. From the dreaded money problems, to accepting my children are growing up on me, to worrying about the horrors of breast cancer.

Recently, I woke in the morning and found that my right breast was swollen (more than normal), hot to the touch, and extremely sore. So, I made an appt to see my OB/GYN. He assured me that b/c of my age, it's more than likely just an infection. He prescribed mega drugs, and sent me on my merry way. After taking the meds, which made me SO SICK, I might add, I discovered that though the infection was no longer there, there was still something VERY wrong with my breast. It's still tender to the touch, red, swollen, and the nipple area is very puffy. *great* So, I'm informed to make an appointment for an ultra sound. *yay*

So, basically what we're trying to rule out right now is breast cancer. This scares me stupid. The type of breast cancer that it *may* be is called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It's a rare, aggressive form of cancer that is more prevailent in younger women. It's so aggressive that one of the only ways to "get rid of it" is to have a mastectomy. Okay....I've always HATED being extremely large breasted, but I really cried like crazy when I thought about losing them....ALL of them. The first thing that went through my mind, and I'm certain that any woman with breast cancer thinks this, is "Will my husband still love me if I have no breasts?"

Fighting back the shame, I finally had a talk with my husband about it. I cried, telling him how it scares me to know that he may leave me b/c I'd be deformed, and if he leaves me, what other man would want a deformed broken woman? Okay, so vanity really kicks in when you're faced with the possibility of losing something that you think makes you a woman. I explained it to him like this..."It's like...how would you feel if they told you, they'd have to cut your penis off?" Not very nice, and I'm sure he crossed his legs in fear. He did his best to reassure me that he loves me more than life, and that even without breasts, he'd love me, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep imagining him becoming horrified to look at me again, and how could he possibly be attracted to a hideous person like me?

I'm scared beyond reason. Yes, it's possible there is something completely simple that can be fixed in there to stop the pain. Yes, it's likely that there isn't cancer in there, but when you're faced with the possibilities, it's terrifying. On top of that, I feel insanely guilty for thinking of my vanity, when I should be thinking of my life! Not to mention, I feel guilty for feeling these things because there are women in the world who have been through this, and have suffered, and are greatful they're alive, even without breasts, and I wonder if they ever felt the way I do.

I'm praying that it's not cancer. I'm praying that if it IS cancer, it's not IBC because it's got a low survival rate, and I'm praying that I'm able to live, fight, and pull through this. I'm scared, terrified really. I don't know what else to do but to ask God to do His will, and lead me where He wants me to go.

So, hug the women in your life. Hug them hard, tell them you love them, then pray that there are cures every day for every type of cancer. God Bless.

Baby Grace

I'm so incredibly sad about this. In October, a fisherman, found a little girl in a plastic box on one of Galveston's uninhibited beaches. The little girl had been "dead for several weeks" and suffered from "head trauma". It's been weeks, and though there are hundreds of calls coming in for possibilities...no one has yet claimed this poor little girl. She's approximately 2-3 years old and weighed about 35 pounds. It saddens me b/c someone had to love this little girl....and she's alone and nameless, and even though I know she's with God now....she deserves to be laid to rest in peace.

Here is a web site that has a depiction of Baby Grace, information about what she was last wearing, and how you can help. Please pray for this little angel. God's got her now, but we need to find out who she was.

www.baby-grace.org

Children.....and the things they say.

My children are brats. I love them dearly, but here are some things that just make me laugh so incredibly hard.

Scene 1: Logan and Kylee are playing with Kylee's doll house, and Kylee, being the boss that she is, is telling Logan exactly how/what/when things will happen. Apparently Logan disagrees and carries on his merry way. With that being said, I hear....

Kylee-"Wogan, stop!"
Logan-"la la la"
Kylee-"Wogan, I said STOP! Do it THIS way. WOGAN!!!!" (I'm picturing 3 year old curses right about now.)
Logan-"Kylee...I can do it this way if I wanna."
Kylee-"Wogan! I'm gonna hit you!"
Logan-"No you're not. I'll tell mommy."
Kylee-"WOGAN! I'm gonna hit you!" SMACK
Logan-(SCREAM)"MOMMY!"


Scene 2: Logan and Kylee are now playing on the doll house with Logan's cars and trucks. They have decided that the front frame of the house makes a really stellar race track

Logan-"Kylee, we have to make the cars go this way, around the track, okay?"
Kylee-"Okay."
Logan-"Kylee, I said this way." (Apparently Kylee still isn't cooperating.) "KYLEE! I said this way...no....NO!...NOT THAT WAY!!!!! MOMMY!!!!"
Kylee-"Wogan...you're such a baby." (I hear a BIG sigh, as she storms off into the living room.)


Scene 3: Logan has decided he's simply had enough of Kylee's crap. So, he goes into his room and closes the door. (Now, we want the kids to know we value their privacy, so they're fully entitled to go into their rooms to be alone when they like. Kylee, however, doesn't agree with our parenting)

Kylee-"Wogan! Wet me in the room!"
Logan-"No, I don't want to play with you right now."
Kylee-"Mommy! Make him wet me in!" (The tears are starting to work their way to the surface)
Logan-(cracking the door just a tad) "Kylee, I don't want to play with you right now. You made me mad. I want to be alone." (Slams door in her face. BTW...how can he SLAM a door that was only open two inches?)
Kylee-(is now sitting in front of his door, hands splayed on the white surface with monster sized tears just ROLLING down her face.) "Wogan! Pwease! I need to pway with you."
Logan-(apparently feeling a bit guilty for being ugly) "Okay, Kylee. You can come in now."
Kylee-(Showing how bratty she can be) "I don't want to pway with you now! You Butthole!" (Yes, she really called him a butt hole. I bit my tongue trying not to laugh...)

Pregnancy avoidance....is this really worth it?

Dude...what is UP with my hormones? This is a tad personal, just FYI. So, in July I had an IUD put in because Brian and I can't seem to agree if we want more kids or not. So, I had this device inserted into my nether regions to buy us some time before anything permanent happens. Everyone I know with one, has NO problems. So, why do I have to have all of the problems? Firstly...I suffer from migraines...and one of the side effects is migraines. So, I've had a magraine a day since July, and ran out of my migraine meds. I call in my prescription....and guess what. They don't make it anymore. SO, now I'm waiting to see if my doc will send them a new one...or if I have to go see him.

Secondly...I'm on a constant roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if I'm happy, sad, mad, etc. One minute I'm breezing by, the next I'm madder than hell. Lovely.

Lastly....my body obviously doesn't want the thing in there b/c I'm cramping all the damn time, and gross things are happening down there. I'm half tempted to just get the sucker removed and take my chances. Then again....no I'm not. I love my kids, but one more of them and I may run off to a place unknown. (If I name the place here, and I run off, they'll find me...get it?)

Oh well....I'll see how I feel in 4 months...that is when all these side effects are supposed to subside afterall.

Night out with the 'rents.

I've been very stressed lately about finances. So, we'll be honest...who hasn't, right? So, today, feeling a tad more melencholy than usual, I decide to meet the parents at BINGO. Yeah...old people stuff...but what better way to sit and not do anything yet still be occupied?

Anyway, my mom is on some really wicked drugs for her neuropathy, and they tend to make her a bit spacey. So I'm sitting beside her, and out of the corner of my eye I see her staring at her arms as though they were foreign objects.

"Mom....yes, they're arms...you have two of them" I say cheesily at her. She then looks at me with the most classic "What the hell" expression on her face....and I say,

"Mom, you look like you just discovered you had arms." She starts laughing and nearly falls out of her chair and says, "I was looking at the scars on my arms you turd." Ahhh, parents.

I'm cursed....

A few years ago, I had it in my head that Brian and I should have a romantic weekend, just the two of us, in New Orleans. Oh, I had it planned down to the last minute. A wonderful two night stay in a fancy Bed & Breakfast, cozy romantic dinner, Beignets, coffee, touring the museums and cemeteries. It was a great too do in my book. Alas, financial issues kept us home rather than touring the exotic city. Then....Katrina happened. I was/am so sad. I love New Orleans! I really truly do, and I fully plan on going back.

THEN...we get engaged. We began planning our wedding, which only ended up with me in tears and stressed out about food, dresses and who is going to be my bride's maid. *sigh* So, in the midst of our wedding planning, we decided to elope in Hawaii instead. So, we booked our trip a full 9 months in advance. We were going to stay in a posh beach front hotel with a beach view lanai. We were going to enjoy cultural festivities such as Luaus, snorkeling, and polynesian shows. It was to be a grand time indeed. We enter the plane, and fly for nearly 8 hours when the pilot comes online to inform us that Hawaii was hit by a major earth quake. The first earthquake to hit the islands since 1981, I might add. We were the only plane that was allowed to land and take off that day. Well, for 3 days to be exact. Our first day in Hawaii had no electricity, no food, and it rained. Don't be sad, it was a wonderful time no matter what!

So, Then, Brian and I started planning a family trip to Belize. Yes, we like to travel to places where there are wonderful beaches. Not to mention that Belize itself is a stunning country that happens to border Guatemala. We figured this could be an advantageous trip with the beaches for fun, jungles and a quick trip over the border to see the Mayan Ruins. Educational and fun all in one shot! I was extremely excited to find that we could rent a cabin on the beach for 7 days for near nothing. I was also pleased to see that there was so much to do there in that small British country in the Carribbean. Alas, yet another crises has hit. A few weeks ago, a Category 4 hurricane plowed straight through Belize, and this week a Category 5 is heading straight there. What have I done to Mother Nature to have her this angry with me?

So, now I'm planning a trip with one of my best friends to visit another best friend in Michigan. I'm almost too terrified to go. I mean...what possibly horrendous thing could happen next? I think I shall simply remain home with my proverbial head buried in the sand. Oh, I hope she knows what she's getting into with having me come visit her.

As you can see...this is why I feel I'm cursed. If you see my name on your list to come stay at your hotel in your country....please don't poisen my food. I really can't possibly imagine why this is happening. Besides...if I could sway some higher power...couldn't I sway the Gods to be thinner instead?

ta-da!

I shall not be defeated by a few measely trojans. For some reason....I got on my computer today, and this loaded right up. For the first time since like....I don't know....May? So, I'm back...for now at least.

Things have been crazy hectic. We're thinking of selling our house. I don't know for sure yet, just thinking. We are looking in a neighborhood where my best friend lives. (Two plusses already) We'll see. Other than that, just daily work, kids, baths, dinner, house cleaning, etc. I've been involved in reading a lot lately. Probably because for the longest time I didn't have a computer and nothing else to do. Of course, I don't know how long I'll have my computer this time either, so I may as well jot it all down in one fell swoop.

I've been dreaming of writing again. Even though I lack the talent and follow through of a good friend of mine, I've still been thinking about it. One day I'll get it all down on paper.

Logan will be 5 this year. Yes, 5. *sigh* He'll be starting school next year, and I don't think he'll be ready. He's such a turd at times. I know that's normal, but I just don't know how he'll handle school. He's never been to "school" or any type of school setting. *sigh* Mommy worries. I hate them.

Kylee will be 4 this year, and I swear she's going on 16. Was I like her when I was younger? She's so prissy...yet at the same time if I could keep her in clothes.....wait..my mom couldn't keep me in clothes either. Great. A little me. *yay*

Anyway...I best log out before my computer crashes! Hi Rene, Leiann! Love you.

Holy Cowabunga Batman! I got online!

Okay....for those of you who don't know......my computer was infested with a billion trojans....no, not THOSE trojans.....no, not those either...the little virussy ones. So, yeah. I had NO access to ANYTHING. No email, barely could get onto messenger, and goodness it was a miracle if I could access MySpace. So....it's still infected. YES...still. I decided to see if I had access at work, and TADA!!! I do...well for now, I do. I don't want to get into trouble, so I won't be on here much, but I wanted to drop a line to let everyone know that I'm infested...stupid Trojans. If anyone knows of some available Spartans to kill my Trojans, please send them my way. As it is....I think my computer is dying a slow painful death. *sob* Anyway....I will try very hard to get back to this....we'll see you soon! Mwuah!

New Job, New life, New new new....

Okay. I'm lame. I started my new job on Monday, and I can honestly say that I truly enjoy it. I'm a little concerned about the functions of the system, but not overly so. I know I'll "get it" in good time. I was BORN for customer service! Tee hee! Seriously though, I'm really good on the phone, and I'm really good at talking to people, so I've no concerns about that.

I will say that starting my job was like a huge sigh of relief. When you have children to care for, it's always in the back of your mind that they need things. It's like some unwritten law that says you need to take responsibility and do your best to take care of them. I guess in some sense I felt like a loser for losing my job, but I know now that it was God's will that I lose that job. Maybe He wanted me to accept my new job. I wouldn't have it now otherwise. I feel more confident in myself that I'm able to once again help my husband provide for our children. It's scary to not really be sure if you'll be able to buy groceries, and I honestly don't want to go through that ever again. It was definitely a lesson that I learned, and I have gained a new humility, so I'm grateful for the test, and still very relieved to be able to be me again.

This weekend we BBQ'd. I LOVE when Brian BBQ's. He makes the best home made marinade and sauce...it's super yummy. I ate myself silly!

I hung out with some friends on Friday night. I can honestly say that I haven't had that much fun since New Year's. It was nice to be with friends, not concerned with anything but chatting and having a good time. I'm so blessed that I have some really truly wonderful friends.

My sister went on vacation for the first time since becoming a mom. She took her kids to Sea World and the River Walk in San Antonio. I am truly pleased with this because my sister is very strict on herself and her kids, and rarely has time for "fun". She's not bad in any way, don't mis read this. She's simply GOT to be strict b/c she does it all on her own. She works full time and has a part time job, and goes to school non stop, all while raising two very well adjusted, good kids, and paying her bills. No, she doesn't get child support. Unfortunately, the system isn't as great as one would think. They don't even have consequences for the "dads" that don't pay their support. Well, I guess they do, like a threatening letter to have a driver's license revoked is really going to put the fear of God into those men who simply don't care? Anyway, I couldn't be more proud of her. She's been through more than she cares to admit, yet she's still busting her butt and coming out on top. Now that is perseverance!

Tooth Tunes...I'm simply in love with these toothbrushes for kids. They play music while the kids properly brush their teeth. My kids actually WANT to brush their teeth with these things! Logan's favorite is the Smashmouth song, Allstar...and Kylee is currently jamming to Kelly Clarkson's, Walk Away. These things are really neat, and perfectly time how long they need to brush, and the song only plays as long as you're applying the appropriate amount of pressure while brushing. I highly recommend these to anyone with kids who are leery of brushing their teeth, or ones who simply battle the tooth brushing time.

Okay...that's my ten cents. Adios!

I'm BAAACK!

Wow...I've been gone a long time. I'm so sorry, and I sincerely apologize to my one or two fans out there. A lot has been going on in my oh so boring life. I've recently gotten a new job....and so far I love it! I'm no longer in accounting for the first time in 10 years. Maybe it was fate that had my former boss telling me to piss off. I'm enjoying the new job, but trying to struggle to pay bills is simply not what I'm accustomed to. It's okay! I know it will be. I've taken up this thing called prayer. Yes, it's not new, but I've been a slacker in that department and decided I needed to have some one on one time with God. He looooves to listen to people...I wonder why so many people don't know that? So, anyway, I've been talking to him about life, and asking Him to guide me to his will, and you know what? I have a job! It's about 15 minutes from my house, and against traffic so the ride to and from is sweet!

So, I've been really bummed out lately. Of course the depression of being fired for the first time ever in my life, but from other things also. I've been very selfish lately, I think it's been for a good reason, but apparently not everyone thinks that way. I had a friend, we'll say..."friend" tell me that I am a self centered, egotistical snob, and that I don't care for anyone but myself. Well, that simply isn't true. Okay...not ALL of it is true. Yes, I openly admit I'm a snob. I want my kids in the best schools and I want a big nice house, and I like nice things. What's wrong with that exactly? Is it not okay to want the best for your kids? BTW, "BEST" doesn't imply rich...just good schools and a nice house. I grew up very poor, and I want my kids to have the very best in life. I wasn't priviledged like some of the kids I went to school with. My daddy never bought me a car, in fact, ever since I was 14 I bought and paid for everything myself, including dr. visits. So, why shouldn't I want the best for my family? ANYWAY....I lost my job, and fell into a depression, and I took it out on some people...mainly my bestest friends and my hubby and kids. Please tell me why it is that we take out our problems on the ones we love the most? So anyway....I realize that I've been self involved lately, and not a very "good" friend, but I take it to heart when someone says that I'm an ugly person....because I really try hard not too. I know I need to develope a thicker skin. I need to be able to say...Piss off...to those who hurt me, but my problem is I tend to hold a grudge for a LONG time, and when I get my feelings hurt it takes a long while to get over it. So, Needless to say, I'm no longer talking to "said friend". Whatever. I'm sorry if my pity party upset you, but I'm allowed to be self centered a bit right now.

On a lighter side....I'm adjusting well to my new career. I think I'll enjoy it, and I'm looking forward to growing with the company. I'm always an over achiever, and I LOVE moving up in the world. So, we'll see where I am 2 years from now.

So...highlights of my week. Monday...started new job. Friday Night out with some friends. Saturday Date with the hubby and Johnny Depp. Woooohoooo!

I have to say a special thank you to one of my very bbest friends, Rene for pushing me to blog again. I had forgotten how much I like it. I also want to say thank you to Leiann, Lori and Kisha for putting up with my crap and being wonderful friends. Thanks! Love you!

Love...Life.....

My wonderful husband...

Came home and cooked me dinner last night. He then informs me that I get a "prize" tomorrow, and that next weekend we're doing the Build-a-bear, Cheesecake Factory outing for my birthday. So...my question is this...what is he UP to???? My next question is.....WHAT IS MY PRIZE!!!! (Prize=surprise but my kids call it prizes)

Make up?

I have heard SO many people talk about Bare Essentuals make up. I must admit, I'd previously seen people wear it, and wasn't impressed. However, I can tell a total difference in their skin quality, and I have heard that it's very good for your skin, and it lasts forever. So, I figured I may as well try it. So, today I finally ordered the starter kit, and it should arrive sometime in the next week. I feel kind of guilty for betraying my trusty Almay make up, but if I can wear something lighter, and with better coverage, I'm all for it.

Heat in Houston

I live in Houston, Texas, therefore it begins to warm right about now. We've been enjoying the 70's lately, but that will quickly turn into 90's before I know it. I've been confronted with my youth lately, with the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. I'm not overly fond of facing my age, and although the physical years don't bother me, the looking the part scares me to death. I enjoy hearing people say how young I look. I'd like to keep it that way. So, for the first time in my life I'm forgoing tanning this year. I'm freckly, and I tan well, but I don't want the skin damage that goes along with it. I realize I may tan naturally even with a gallon of sun block, but I want to prevent sunburns and irreversible skin damage. I'm turning a new leaf to take better care of my skin, appearance, and body. I've taken the effort to begin losing weight and eating healthier, and that takes care of the inside, so now I must take better care of the outside. Wish me luck...I'm a former sun worshipper.

My son....

I love him more than words can even say...but let me just say he can SURELY push some serious buttons! Here lately he's been fighting more and more for independence, and in a lot of ways he reminds me of myself. He's stubborn, hell bent and determined to do things HIS way, and all in all a real pain in the butt. I get so frustrated with him, and at the same time I'm given a dose of my own medicine for all of the things I've put my parents through. I also have a different kind of love for my son. It's hard to explain it to anyone who doesn't quite understand the different types of love a person can have for their child. I love both of my children beyond words, but Logan was my little man through a very tough time in our lives. He was the single most important thing in my life when all else seemed to fall apart around me. He was my constant love, someone I could hold and care for and he needed me. Everything about what I just said sends alarm bells to psychiatrists, I'm sure, but in a time in my life when my world came crashing down around me, Logan was the small little Angel who brought me out fighting for him and a better life for me. I guess he's my saviour, and to me, he was the biggest gift from God during a painful, lonely time in my life.

My Daughter....

Kylee is the ray of sunshine in my life. When I first found out I was pregnant with her, I didn't want her. I know how that makes me sound, but I'd just had a baby, and was terrified of another baby at the same time. I was alone, in the middle of a big depression, and still trying to get the ground under my feet. I wasn't happy to hear the news of a new baby coming so soon, and I wasn't ready for it either. I learned a lot during my pregnancy, and the day she was born I felt immense love, and immense guilt for the feelings I had during my pregnancy. I guess maybe she knew it too because for the first 8 months of her life she didn't want me to hold her unless it was time to eat. It was so hard for me to be so in love with her, and so afraid of her at the same time. I wasn't afraid of Logan, so I couldn't figure out why I was afraid of her. Everyday of her life, she's brought me such joy. Her smiles are the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen, and she's such a happy child. When she was 8 months old, I was holding her on the couch, and for the very first time she fell asleep on me. I enjoyed that moment and didn't want to put her down, and so we napped right there on that couch. It was like that day was a sort of forgiving day, she forgave me for my ways of thinking, and she let me love her 100%. Ever since, we snuggle on the weekends and nap together on our couch, and just holding her brings me so much joy! The sweetest words ever are when she whispers to me that she loves me. I still feel the twinges of guilt, and maybe I tend to spoil her a bit, but my life wouldn't have been complete without her in it. I'm thankful to God for giving me a second gift in my daughter, and I know He knows what He's doing, even if we're questionable.

Do you Zoo???

Each year we renew our Zoo membership, to bask in the amazement and joy of the animal kingdom. Each year, my children get more and more out of the zoo experience, and each year we are able to learn, experience and enjoy new things with our children.

The Houston Zoo is simply one of the most beautiful zoos we have ever been to, and we've been to many. We enjoy taking our children to see the animals. There are few things sweeter than watching your little one play with an otter, or growl like a lion or bear. We always wake early in the morning, often before the sun, and eat a hearty breakfast. Then, we arrive at the zoo just in time to venture through the gates as they open. Our first stop is always the Sea Lion exhibit. There is something about those sea lions that have the kids' laughing and pointing. Next, we head through the Koala cave, past the Giant Turtles, alligators, and finally to the Giraffe's. Did you know there is a new baby there? After the sad death of baby Amali who fell at birth and broke her leg, and couldn't quite get over the break, a new baby was born just last year! His name is Topper, and we plan on visiting him this weekend! After seeing if the kids have grown as big as giraffes, we venture over to see the elephants. Yes, there's a new baby there also! He's a HUGE one, the biggest elephant calf ever born in captivity, and he's right here in our zoo! We often laugh as we watch children of all ages attempt their best Elephant noises. From here we run to see the Okapi, which is a cross between a zebra, Giraffe and horse. He's a clever guy, and isn't afraid to walk straight up to where the kids are standing, admiring his odd appearance and trying to decide if he looks more zebra or horse. After the decision has been made, and it's different every time, we run off to see wolves, various wild cats, a bear, some tigers and lions, and eventually make our way over to the Children's Zoo. There's a maze of animals to see, and lots of fun things to do, including pretending to be an eagle, sliding down a slide like an otter, jumping on lily pads, seeing what it's like to be a ground hog, and getting hands on experience with goats, sheep, cows, and llamas. What kid WOULDN'T enjoy a fun filled day at the zoo???

So, do yourself a favor...if you haven't been to the zoo in a very long time, or if you simply haven't felt the urge, GO SEE WHAT THEY HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU!!! Don't forget, all of the money you spend at the zoo for food, drinks, souvenirs, etc will go right back into the zoo! Some of these animals are close to extinction, so wouldn't it be nice if your great-great grandchildren will be able to enjoy them as well?

The good, the bad, and the Chick flicky!

Papa John's Pizza is the DEVIL!

I LOVE Papa John's pizza! They have the best crust, sauce, etc....the only problem? Every time I eat it, I get seriously ill. I'm talking the running to the bathroom b/c you're about to die, kind of ill. I hate that it makes me sick, yet I can't resist the taste! I swear, there is crack listed as an ingredient.

I'm a BAAAAD Mommy!

Over the weekend, Logan asked if he could play his video game. Well, the rule is, you have to #2 in the potty before you can play, so we told him 'no'. Come to find out, he REALLY did #2 in the potty, but his sitter forgot to tell us! So, we let him play his video game for an hour last night. Poor guy. He's never going to trust me to believe him, if I can't believe something as simple as #2 in the potty.

Lucky!!!!

I realize that I'm not the only female in the world who has a man who loves her, but it's so strange to me how very much in love I am with him. It's so neat to me that everyday that we're together, I feel a stronger bond with him. Sure, he annoys me, and I him, but it's what's underneath it all that really kicks you. What we have is not superficial, it's not based on lustful feelings, or our children, or money...it's the real true love that survives some of the roughest storms. We've been thrown around, beaten up, and still come out thriving on love, if nothing else. Right now we're really in debt from our wedding, and trying very hard to recover.....so we're a little more stressed than normal, but he's right there beside me holding my hand through it all. I feel truly blessed that he's in my life....oh, and I LOVE kissing him! *blush*

Ghost Rider

If you get the chance, SEE THIS MOVIE! It was everything I look for in a movie. Action with a small "love" undertone, followed up with good~vs~evil, and ending with a cheering 'way to go' conclusion. Of course, it didn't hurt that Nicholas cage is totally hot, and you see his fabulous abs in the movie. It was truly a movie I can see myself watching again and again. Very much worth my time!

Sandwiches...

I'm obsessed! I LOVE them! I can eat a sandwich every single day and never get tired of them! I love big fat sandwiches on wheat bread. Every day for the last weeks I've hardly eaten anything BUT sandwiches. I don't know if it's a phase I'm going through, of if I'm just that lazy that a sandwich is all I want.

TV TIME!!!

Last night I was able to sit on my butt and watch TV, for the very first time in a very long time. I was not bothered, I was not cried or whined at, and I wasn't sitting there watching whatever it was that Brian deemed watch worthy. I sat and watched Lifetime Movie Network, and enjoyed not one but two movies! I think I overdid my chick flick quota, but it was surely a good time! Kinda gets you right here *tapping chest*. LOL

Okay...I'm a rambler...sorry!

The daily grind....or is it?

The Bandwagon...

Somewhere, I fell off the weight loss bandwagon. I'm not sure if it was the stress of starting a new job, or what. I haven't gained weight back, but I haven't lost either, and I know my "eating" habits haven't been great. So, over the weekend, both Brian and I started back up again. We're playing DDR again, eating better, which includes a lot more fish, and learning to be healthier. Brian just turned 29, and to hear him talk, he just turned 40. He's having a very hard time coping with his age, and getting older, and he's seeing himself as fat. I wonder if this is just the beginning of mid life criseses (Is that a word?) for my husband? I know men tend to take aging hard, but never really imagined it. I'll be 28 next month, and I'm actually looking forward to the 30's. Everyone I know love(d) being in their 30's...at least the females. I guess aging doesn't really bother me, although I am having a TERRIBLE time with dealing with wrinkles. :( I have developed minor "laugh lines" around my eyes, and mouth, and it's KILLING me! I've always taken pride in my youthful appearance, and despite my complaints about people mistakenly thinking I'm a teenage mother, I actually enjoy the compliments. But then I discovered the wrinkles, and I've decided the sun is out of the question this year. No more real tanning, maybe a spray on. I'm determined that when I'm in my 40's and 50's and so on that people will say, "Whoa! you don't look......" I have a good friend who's in her 30's, and I swear, she doesn't look a day over 29. We teasingly joke that every year she is turning 29 again, but in truth...she really doesn't look her age. I'd like that. Ya know?

Anyway, back to the weight loss thing. I won't be at me "goal" weight this year b/c I'm taking the stance of losing weight the hard slow way....I'm not looking for fast results, although that would be nice....So, we're working out, eating right, and taking care of ourselves. Go us!

Adventures in babysitting....

I watched one of my best friend's kids this weekend, overnight. First, let me just say, somewhere along the road, I got out of baby mode, and her little son, running all over my house getting into everything had me frazzled. He's a very good baby, but I'm just not used to babies anymore! How odd??? Anyway, he was such a sweet little boy, and you can totally tell he's just a very good baby! Her daughter has reached the age of temperamental pre-teen. She's a very loving, "mothering" little girl, but some of the things she does and says, reminds me of me and her mother when we were young. I guess now, I see her, and go...."did we really do that?" She is very helpful with all of the kids, but you can tell when she gets frustrated and throws her mental hands in the air. It's actually cute to see....and at the same time it reminds me that I'm not ready for that stage in my children's lives yet. I want them to grow up healthy and strong, but I'm not ready for the adultness of their behavior...I'm enjoying being the idol to my kids.

Manicures and Pedicures....

As some of you are aware, I have major issues with people touching my feet. Well, last year, my friend and I went to a wedding in a small town in East Texas, and I stooped to the level of having a pedicure done. Now, manicures I'll get every day if I could afford it, they're so relaxing and it really makes my hands and nails look wonderful, but pedicures always gave me the creeps because they want to touch my feet. Well, ever since that fateful day in April, I've come to the conclusion that somehow I got over my feet phobia. I LOVE pedicures!!! I love how soft and pretty my feet look after one, and I love not having to paint my toenails myself. I used to hate open toed shoes and sandals, but now I find myself only looking at strappy little things with their barely there straps and high heels. I've turned into a girl! LOL Last night I did my own first pedicure of the season, and I just LOVE how my feet look! I can't wait to go this weekend to have a real one done. (I guess I did it myself first to avoid the embarrassing "winter foot" pedicure......) I guess it's a good thing that my feet phobia is diminishing...I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone randomly touched my feet....but maybe one day....

Coffee or Tea?

Since I'm on this health kick thing...I've started drinking hot tea. Tea is a natural diuretic, and thus is very good for intestinal health. It's also high in antioxidants, and a good source of water. I've found that I drink 3-4 cups of caffeine free tea a day, with no sugar, and it really helps me to stay focused and awake. It's soothing qualities help me to relax, and feel comfortable in my surroundings. I've found a very yummy green tea, and an extremely aromatic Lavender tea. I used to drink coffee on a regular basis, meaning 2 cups a day. I'd pile on the cream and sweet n low to hide the bitterness which exists in coffee, and always had fully caffeinated. Well, 1) it had caffeine, 2) it had tons of cream and sweetener which adds fat and calories, and 3) it would leave me feeling jittery instead of ready for the day. So....maybe the British have it right with tea time.....

The latest, greatest, and not so fun

I don't normally write about me, or what's going on in my life because this is my primary "writing" blog. However, today I feel the need to write about things.

The Saturday before last, my mom, daughter and I took a trip to Katy Mills Mall. We walked, and walked, and walked. It was our first trip there, so we kind of absorbed all that was going on around us. Surprisingly it wasn't very busy, so we were able to walk and take our time in doing so. We decided lunch at the Rainforest Cafe would be fun, only Kylee decided that was not a very good idea. The child clung to me like a monkey and screamed and screamed the entire time we were in the shop....JUST the shop! So, we decided against lunching there for the sake of our sanity, my daughter's nightmares, and other diners. Our little walk took us by a SPCA shop, where they generally sell animal treats, and goodies. So, we venture in, since we're avid pet lovers, and thought we'd pick up some treats for our animals at home. That was when Kylee saw him...the fattest orange Tabby I've ever seen. I've wanted an orange tabby my entire life! They're so hard to find because they're usually first pick of the litter. Orange Tabbies are known for their patience, affection, and calmness, so they're ideal for kids and families. Anyway, he was 6 years old, and I filled out the necessary paperwork to see how he liked us.

We took him into a little room, meant for getting to know your new animal, and he walked right up to my daughter and head butted her! I knew right then he was meant to be ours! I had to hurry though because there was an old lady looking at him also, so I opened the door, and said, "I'll take him" I just knew that old lady huffed indignantly! So, we filled out the papers to adopt him, and the poor thing was named Peekie-Pee. OH dear, that was NOT going to work. So, I say to the girl behind the counter, "Does he like that name?" She laughs and responds, "NO WAY! He will not even come to you if you call him that." Well, that was good to know. So, Charlie became his new name, and as soon as I said it, he walked right up to me and meowed. I was so very excited! I got what I had always wanted! He's beautiful, and loving, and such a wonderful cat!

Mia, our grey tabby wasn't pleased in the least to meet her new brother. She actually avoided us for 2 straight days, and every time she saw Charlie, she'd hiss and snarl and spit. Finally, last weekend she decided that if he's going to live there, she may as well accept his presence. This morning I caught them playing together, and it was SO funny because when I walked into the room, they both jumped apart like teenagers getting caught making out! (Do not fret, Charlie is very much fixed) They them proceeded to chase each other around the living room.

So then, Friday night was Brian's birthday, and we went to see Ghost Rider at the Movie Tavern. It was a very good movie, if you remove the fact that I BOUGHT my tickets online, and they STILL made me stand in line. (The manager got a nice earful from me about that.) Because we had to stand in line, we had to sit all the way up front, which is NOT comfortable in the least. The food was good though, so that made up a tad for it. Then, this chick behind me kept kicking my chair. Mind you, in the Movie Tavern, you have individual chairs, like office chairs, the big leather kind, so they move, and stuff. So, I move my chair, thinking she's just got long legs or whatever. Next thing I know, she's kicking it again. Not your occasional kick, but a constant, keeping the beat kind of kick. So, I stand up, and glare at her, and bite a nice chunk of her head off in the process. (Sorry, I was already upset about standing in line, then having to sit way up front.) She didn't kick my chair again.

About 30 minutes before the movie ends, I feel like my throat has razor blades in it. So, I go home, take some NyQuil, and pass out. The next day it's WAY worse! I'm talking, I'm crying it hurt so badly. So, I buy Chloreseptic, Vick's 44 lozenges, painkillers, and hot tea. Nothing seemed to even remotely relieve the pain. Sunday rolls around, and I'm miserable, so, I go back to the store, and buy some extremely expensive Jasmine tea. (I heard it has natural numbing qualities) I drink a cup of the most aromatic tea I've ever had, if only a tad bit strong, and feel a brief relief in the pain in my throat.

Today is Monday, and I schedule a doctor's appointment. Now, I know that sore throats are caused by a virus, and there isn't anything they can do about it, but JUST in case I needed to see the doctor. (Strep is a virus, in case you're wondering why you get antibiotics when you have it, is because strep can cause Rheumatic fever, so they give you the antibiotics to help prevent that from happening.) Of course, the doctor looks in my throat, and says, "OH YUK!" There are several words I don't want to hear my doctor say, "oops", "Uh-oh" and "Oh yuk". So he sits down, and says, "I have good news, and bad news. The good news, I know what is wrong with you, the bad news, there isn't anything I can do about it. You have a virus, that has caused ulcers in your throat, and those ulcers have become infected. Because they are in your throat, they become irritated, so you are to eat only smooth food, like: milkshakes, pudding, soup, juice, hot tea, yogurt...etc. The worse news is that it lasts for 2 weeks, and there really isn't anything I can give you for the pain, so you'll have to just bare it. Oh, just for safety's sake, I'm going to give you a shot of triple antibiotics, and prescribe you some antibiotics to see if we can take the edge out of that infection, but don't count on it to work." So, they give me a shot in my hip that felt like they were injecting fire, prescribed my drugs that won't work, and sent me on my merry way with a final little note of "you're not contagious".

I felt like I earned a milkshake after all of that, and stopped at JITB, and got one. SO there! Talking hurts, and I can't do it well because I have a BIG ulcer right where my tongue is in my throat, so moving it hurts. It looks as though soup is my new best friend, and I think I'll drink tea until I puke, but it's only for 2 weeks, right? Oh, another thing...I was the fourth person he'd seen since last Monday that has had this virus...so, who is the contagious one that is passing this around? I'd really like to know!

Cassidy Part II

The connecting bathroom was bigger than any Cassidy had seen in her life. The long granite countertop sparkled under the many lights. There were tiny soaps, and bottles of creams and lotions on the counter as well as small bottles of shampoos and conditioners. The tub itself was huge, and took up the majority of the room. It was long and deep with what looked to Cassidy as jets. On the back of the door was a long thick robe that screamed comfort.

Heaving a sigh, Cassidy walked back into the room and walked to the window. There was a cozy leather chair facing the window, and she slumped down into it, sinking into the cushions. She pulled her knees to her chest, and with tired eyes watched the world outside her window.

Cassidy woke to a knock at the door. For just a moment she wasn’t sure where she was, and then it all came flooding back to her. The knock came again at her door, and she opened it to see Westly.

“Hello there. I’m terribly sorry to wake you, but it’s time we get to the hospital now.”

Realizing she was standing in a door way, she pushed away to let him enter, “Of course, I’m sorry, I must have been more tired than I thought. I know I may seem selfish, as I haven’t even asked about Chelsea, but to be honest, I barely know her.” She fumbled with her shoes, as she stood to put them on. Walking to the door, then running back to grab her purse, she finally gave Westly a helpless smile, “I suppose I’m ready.”

To Cassidy, all hospitals looked and smelled the same. If she thought hard, she could remember what it was like when her mother was in one. She walked down the hall towards the elevators that would lead her up to her sister’s floor. Once out of the elevator, she slowly walked towards a nurse’s station to request her sister’s room.

“Hello, I’m looking for my sister.” Her barely audible whisper caught the attention of only one of the nurses.

“Who is it you’re here to see?” The nurse, a large black woman with a very loud voice demanded.

“Uh…I’m here to see…” She fumbled with the slip of paper that stated her sister’s name, “Gina Coy. I’m her sister. I was told that she was here…”

“Ah, you must be Cassidy. I’ll need your identification card, please, and we’ll get Dr. Kline for you.” The nurse waved another nurse along to find the doctor, as she efficiently jotted down Cassidy’s information in a guest log book.

Handing the ID card back to Cassidy, the nurse eyed her cautiously. “My name is Pearl. I’ll be here during your visit and will answer questions for you. Dr. Kline will need you to fill out a lot of paperwork.”

Cassidy mearly nodded her head in acknowledgement when she was the other nurse returning with a very tall man. Dr. Kline was 7 feet tall with sandy blond hair, and the greenest eyes Cassidy had ever seen. He towered over her, and made her feel very small, and unsure of herself.

“Miss Keaton. I’m Dr. Kline. I’ve been taking care of your sister for you. It you’ll please come this way, I’ll take you in to see her.” Gesturing her to follow, Dr. Kline lead Cassidy down a long white hallway to a door with a very bored security guard standing watch. “This is Cassidy Keaton, the patience’s sister.” At the nod of the guard, Dr. Kline walked into the room.

Slowly, Cassidy walked to the bed where her sister lay. She studied the still, quiet form, and tried to remember her as her sister. Chelsea’s hair was platinum blond, the kind that was more white than gold. Her cheeks were hollow, and sunk in. She had very dark circles surrounding, what Cassidy remembered were very blue eyes. She slowly took in the face of the sister she didn’t remember and let a single tear flow over her cheek.

“I’m sorry, Doctor, I just don’t know her, not this woman. My sister is still fifteen years old in my mind, and this is a stranger to me. Please, can you tell me what happened, and why I’m here?”

Dr. Kline studied the woman in front of him, and knew what it was like to feel bewildered and lost. He motioned to a set of chairs in the far corner of the room, and sat.

“Your sister has had an apparent drug overdose. We have done all that we can for her at this time, and if she makes it through this alive, it’ll be a miracle. You were called here by your sister’s lawyers, as you’ve been listed as executive of her estate, and will be in control of her finances, and will be the person to make final decisions regarding your sister. We had to do surgery when she arrived here to remove the baby she was carrying, and at this time, that child is in NICU under strict supervision. It appears that the child will indeed make it, and you’ll be responsible for what happens to her.” Dr. Kline placed his hand over Cassidy’s when he saw her mouth fall open. “I know this is hard for you, and I know it’s got to be a complete shock, but you are the only family listed, and there is no father that we can find for the child.”

“Can…can I see the baby?” Glancing towards the bed where her sister lay, Cassidy continued, “I can’t picture Chelsea with a baby. She never wanted them, and if she came in here from a drug overdose, she didn’t intend to keep this one. Tell me, is the baby addicted?”
“I can tell you that we found only very slight traces of drugs in the infant’s system. It appears that perhaps your sister wasn’t doing the drugs during pregnancy and it’s speculated from her agent that perhaps she was depressed. I have a full statement from her agent upon her arrival, but I can say that I don’t think he’s very credible. He’s known to introduce his stars to drugs, and dangles it over their heads in order to get them to continue doing his bidding.”

Cassidy's Curse

Chelsea Dionne Keaten was born in a small town in East Texas, with no money, and a father who left her mother during pregnancy. Her whole life she struggled to be more than what she was born into, and somehow, she'd made it to Hollywood. The beautiful buxom blond, with stunning blue eyes, and a sex kitten mouth. She'd started her career, by posing in nude magazines, and having sex with various men, and sometimes women, for the porn industry. It was during that time that she met Gary Shantz.

Shantz was known around Hollywood as a hard nosed, cocaine addicted, tough guy, who somehow managed to find washed up hookers acting jobs in legit films. It was on the set her latest conquest, that he discovered Chelsea Keaton, and her beautiful, if somewhat used, body. It was Shantz who introduced the white powder to Chelsea, and it was Shantz who found her unconscious, face covered in white powder and naked as the day she was born.

****************************************

Cassidy's phone rang at 3:00 in the morning waking her from a rather pleasant dream where she was just about to start a sexy lip lock with Johnny Depp. She fumbled for the light, and cursed when she knocked the phone off the night table. With her eyes closed, and still picturing the gorgeous Johnny Depp, she finally answered the phone with a very gruff mumble.

"Is this Cassidy Dawn Keaton," a rather prim voice came through the phone.

"Yes...um, yes, this is Cassidy. Who is this?"

"Miss Keaton, this is Beverly Mace with the Las Angeles Police Department. Apparently, your sister has been found unconscious from an apparent drug overdose. At this time, she's alive-"

"I beg your pardon, my sister?"

"Yes, you do have a sister, one Chelsea Dean also known as Chelsea Keaton, don't you?"

"Yes, of course, I'm sorry, you just caught me by surprise. I haven't heard from or seen my sister in about 12 years. Please, tell me what happened again." Sitting up in her bed, she pulled the comforter to her chin for comfort, more than warmth.

"Ms. Keaton was found at approximately 11:30 pm last night. She's currently in Intensive Care at the Las Angeles Hope Hospital, under an alias name of Gina Coy. As of this time, she's listed in stable condition. Miss Keaton, I'm sorry, but the doctors asked that her next of kin be called in; they don't expect her to make it."

"Oh my God." Tears ran unnoticed down Cassidy's cheeks as she tried to remember the sister that she never really had. They'd shared a womb together, but other than that, had virtually nothing in common. Cassidy wanted a family, love, children, and a stable home; whereas Chelsea wanted adventure, money, and fame. "Um, I will be on the next plane there. Where is she again?" Stumbling to her desk, she found three pencils with broken lead, and a pen with no ink before she finally found a highlighter that semi worked. She jotted down directions and address, and a phone number to call when she arrived. Hanging up the phone, she turned on her computer as she mentally shifted her finances around trying to come up with the money for the trip. Her rich and famous sister had conveniently forgotten all about her family when she ran away from home at 15, and had never sent a cent home to her mother or sister.

Grabbing her comforter from her bed, Cassidy plopped down onto a rather abused 1970's orange chair, and pulled her lap top onto her lap. She scanned the screen as she searched for the earliest flight to Las Angeles, and cringed at the prices. I'm going to have to ask for an advance for this one....Charles is NOT going to be happy. Thinking ahead, and mentally preparing herself for the lecture, she dialed Charles Finnegan's home number, then winced at the gruff sound of sleep interrupted.

"Mr. Finnegan...uh...this is Cassidy, I'm sorry to wake you, but I have an emergency."

"Eh? Cassie? Do you know what time it is?" The sound in his voice led her to believe that he still wasn't aware that he was actually talking on the phone.

"Yes, I'm so sorry. Look, it's my sister, she's in the hospital. I have to go to her."

"Ah. Cass, I'm coming up."

The sound of the phone being disconnected cut off any protest Cassidy could think of. With a sigh, she hung up the phone and stalked to the door.

Charles Finnegan was 62 years old, and had lived in Texas his entire life. He'd worked hard to build his book store, and had led a life of adventure, even if it was all in books. Age didn't slow Charles down, and it certainly didn't show on his face. He was short for a man, about 5'6, and robust, with a small ring of bright red hair wrapped around his otherwise bald head. He had a full red beard, and both hair and beard were finally beginning to thread with silver. His soft green eyes were surrounded by faint wrinkles and supported by rosy, almost cherubic cheeks. He claimed his daily pipe filled with black cherry tobacco kept him young, that and the shot of Irish Whiskey he had every night before bed. He's married young, and was still in love with his wife as though they'd just met. They were never blessed with children of their own, and took it upon themselves to help those who didn't have parents. He'd adopted 5 children all together, and had raised each one to be strong, good people. He was the proud grandfather of 14 grandchildren, all of varying ages, and felt the need to share photos with any stranger passing by.

He'd hired Sandra10 years before as a clerk for his bookstore, and with Sandra, came Cassidy. He'd remembered how young she was, and how he introduced her to the magical worlds that existed between the cover of a book. When her mother died 3 years later, he took Cassidy in without so much as a thought, and yet the girl still insisted on calling him Mr. Finnegan.

He huffed up the stairs on the outside of his bookstore up to the one bedroom apartment he rented to Cassidy. Through the curtain he saw her pacing the rooms, and from the looks of it, causing a disaster of a mess in the process. He didn't bother to knock, and just opened the door, inwardly cursing the girl for never locking the door.

"Cassie, you didn't lock the door again. Come now girl, what seems to be the problem? What's this about your sister?" He sat heavily onto a tattered wooden chair and patted the mate next to him.

"I..I got a call from Las Angeles. My sister, Chelsea, well, it seems that she's overdosed, and they requested I come there. I don't know what to do Mr. Finnegan, I haven't seen her since we were 15." Looking around the room at the mess she'd made, and the half packed suitcase, Charles heaved a sigh, and stood to face her.

"Cassie, my girl, what do you need? If it's money, all you have to do is ask, and you know that."

Cassidy blew a breath between her lips, causing her bangs to fly. "Yes, I know, but it's just not fair! If I'd gotten that book deal, instead of another decline letter...well, that's neither here nor there. Mr. Finnegan, I need to go to her."

Patting her hand, Charles grinned up at her, "You know, I remember when you were a bit shorter than me. Yes, you'll have the money. Come down in the morning, and I'll have it for you. Don't forget to call when you get there, and if there's anything you'll be needing, well, I'm here."

Cassidy leaned down to hug the only father she'd ever known, and kissed his already red cheek. "You do know I love you, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, if you loved me you'd stop calling Mr. Finnegan."

At her laugh, he only grinned and headed to the door. "You best be getting some sleep, Las Angeles isn't that close, and you'll be needing your strength."

"I know, thank you....Charlie." Her whispered response caused him only a moments hesitation, and as he walked down the steps, he felt a grin spread over his face full of pride and love. What was he going to do with that girl?

*******************************************

Cassidy's first plane trip was not as she'd have expected. It seemed that the plane shook and rattled more than it flew smoothly, and she was certain that it was going to fall from the sky any minute. She was sure that she'd left indentions in the seat where she'd held on for dear life, and when the plane made it's descent, she prayed for a safe landing. Her legs wobbled as she walked from the plane to the luggage claim, and she caught herself amazed at the sheer size of the airport and all of the people crowded into it.

There were men and women in tidy suits holding up little signs with names on them, some of which she guessed were aliases for some star. She kept walking and almost walked past the little man with twinkling eyes holding a sign with her name on it.

"Excuse me, is that for me?"

The little man grinned broadly, and said in what she could only guess was a british accent, "If you're Cassidy Keaton, I'll be your driver. The name's Westly, and I'm here to take you to the hotel, and to the hospital." Westly placed his hand on the small of her back, and escorted her to the luggage area. He gently ushered her against a wall as he went in search of her luggage.

Cassidy watched the comings and goings of the people. The styles of clothing, the sounds of voices, mingled with the ringing of phones, and yells of limosine drivers attempting to gather luggage. Her eyes widened when she spotted a driver lugging what appeared to be 15 pieces of luggage behind him on a trolley. She imagined a movie star, or famous musician was the owner of that much luggage, and it most definitely had to be a female. She was about to create a story in her head when she saw Westly heading towards her with her single suitcase that still looked too new.

Her first ride in a limo was much better than her flight. She felt like a child swinging her head from side to side as if trying to take in the sights all at once. She saw big fancy hotels, and boutiques, and everyone seemed to be beautiful walking on the sidewalks. She saw what appeared to be a crowd of photographers outside a restaurant and assumed someone famous was dining inside. Before she knew it, the driver was pulling up in front of a very expensive looking hotel.

"Um, Westly, this isn't my hotel. There isn't a way I can afford a place like this." She felt her face flame with heat of embarrassment at the realization of what she'd just said.

As if he hadn't heard a word she'd said, Westly just grinned at the girl, and opened her door. Taking her hand, he gently removed her from the car, and grabbed her suitcase in the other hand.

"There's no need to worry, Miss. I was assured that you'll be staying here, and all of your expenses will be paid by your sister's account. I'll have you escorted to your suite, and I'll be back in an hour to take you to the hospital. I'm sure you'd want to see her." Westly gave her name to the desk clerk, while Cassidy stood staring at everything around her. She barely noticed that a bell hop had been given her luggage, and she was being ushered towards a giant elevator with gleeming mirrors.

The bell hop pressed at button and the doors slid silently closed. Cassidy released a breath she wasn't aware she was holding, and tried not to fidget. The doors slide open to an elegant hallway with plush carpet, and what appeared to be authentic paintings on the walls. Her door was opened, and the key placed in her hand. He was closing the door behind him, when she ran after him.

"Wait! Here, I know it's not much, or what you're used to, but...here!" Cassidy thrust the five dollar bill into his hand, and even though he was accustomed to larger, her hopeful eyes had him smiling earnestly back at her. "Thank you ma'am," and the door was closed between them.

Cassidy turned from the door and absorbed her surroundings. The room was large, with a full wall of a window that had the blinds pulled open to reveal a stunning view of the city. There was a cherry desk with writing paper, pens, and a vase filled with sunny daisies. The bed was overly large and seemed to be smothered by the pillows stacked all over it. It was draped with a very soft rose colored spread that made her want to run her hands over it just to feel the softness.

The Escape......part 1....

The tears ran freely over her cheeks, as she stared through swollen eyes at the man who had become a monster to her. The pain that had exploded in her head was now just a dull throb compared to the seering aches that raced through the rest of her body. He stood over her now with his breath inches from her face.

"Why do you always make me hit you?" His voice whispered out as if trying to keep the neighbors from hearing. "You always do and say things that make me so angry! When will you learn that if you'd just stop making these stupid mistakes that things would get better?"

Grabbing her arms he brought her face to face with himself. When he spoke, she felt the heat of his words upon her face, "Answer me Emily!"

Her lips trembled as they parted, and she tasted blood as she tried to form the words around the cuts and bruises, "I...I...."

"I...I...what Emily? Go on and say it like a good girl so you can be forgiven."

"I'm so-sorry Michael. I...I'm sorry, it's my fault"

An evil, self satisfied grin spread on his face as he pulled her to him. "There, there, Baby doll, let daddy fix it and make it all better," he crooned over her whispering in an almost soothing voice meant to soothe a small child. Gently lifting her in his arms, he carried her to the bathroom, and placed her on the toilet seat to begin removing her clothing. He ran a bath of scented bubbles, and gently set her in the tub. She knew he enjoyed this part of his "make up" ritual, and knew that fighting him off would only ensue another onslaught of angry fists.

Closing her eyes, she felt him run a cool cloth over her face, and placing it over her eyes to soothe the ache and swelling. He always began his bathing ritual by soothing her aches, easing the swelling, and gently cleaning away the blood.

He began lathering a wash cloth as he stared down at his wife's naked form. He slowly began running the cloth over her body, tensing as he rubbed over her breasts. His hands shook as he made his descent lower, admiring her flat stomach, and the curve of her hips. He always enjoyed looking at her, his sweet Emily. He'd always loved bathing her, and watching her come alive under his hands. He felt his breath hitch as he began bathing between her legs, and almost on command he heard her soft moan of pleasure.

Emily had learned years before that if she wanted to avoid a beating, she'd better act like she enjoyed the things he did to her. There was a time when he'd charmed her, and they'd enjoyed each other as a husband and wife do. She couldn't remember when he'd changed, but it seemed as though he'd came home a different person one day, and the man she loved never returned. She fought back tears as she obediantly moaned what she hoped was a sound of pleasure as he began his seduction.

As always, he treated her like royalty after removing her from the bath. He dried her body, and began massaging creams to soften, and ointments to heal into her tender skin. His hands slid over her body, and she knew he enjoyed every inch of what he was doing. He laid her onto their bed, and began removing his clothes, as he stared hungrily down at her naked form. Emily closed her eyes, and from experience, sent her mind somewhere else to avoid the final humiliation he was about to issue.

*******************

The sun nearly blinded her as she opened her eyes the next morning. Heaving a sigh, she turned away from the bright promise of a new day only to find her bed empty and her cheek laying on a cool sheet of paper.

Darling Emily,

I had to go into work early this morning, and won't be back until late. Make sure you've cleaned up your little mess from last night, and keep dinner warm for me. I can not tell you how very much I love you.

Love,

Your Adoring Husband,

Michael

In disgust, she crumbled the paper into a tight ball, and threw it across her room. Slowly she climbed from her bed and took mental stock on her aches and pains. Her face felt raw, and upon inspection in the mirror, wouldn't bruise too badly. He always made sure of that. With a sigh, she dressed for the day, and set about to straighten the house.

Broken glass, and furniture littered the living room floor, and a shattered picture lay at her feet as she stepped into the messy reminder of the previous evening. Forcing back tears, she knelt onto the floor, and began the clean up.

Three hours later, Emily was standing in her kitchen tapping her now manicured nail on her coffee cup. Taking a deep breath, she glanced at the clock, noted the time, and removed the clock from the wall. Opening a small latch in the back where batteries are supposed to go, she removed the bundle of money she'd been stashing. Pocketing the money, she hung the clock exactly where it should hang, and walked to her room.

Taking a small suitcase from the closet, she began filling it with her necessities, and momentos that she wanted to keep with her. In another larger suitcase, she put her clothing. She walked through the house carrying both cases to the entrance to the garage, and opened the door. She opened the trunk of her car, placed the cases in, and quietly closed the lid. By this time, she wasn't thinking about what came next, just moving through the motions.

She walked slowly from room to room, scanning over items, and furniture. There were no tears in her eyes, as she climbed into her car, and started the engine. As she backed out of the driveway, she scanned the street to make sure he wasn't coming towards the house. She'd left no note, no reminder of herself for him to find, and she hoped to leave no trace for him to follow. Watching the garage door lower, she debated throwing her wedding rings out of the window, but decided to keep them for extra cash just in case.

The bank was empty when she pulled into the parking lot. The large sunshades hid her eyes, and she hoped, hid her intentions. She walked up to what appeared to be a friendly looking older woman behind the bank counter, and smiled at her.

"Good Morning! How may I help you today?" The clerk skimmed over Emily's face as she took in the dark glasses, and the slight bruising around a full mouth which had blood oozing from a freshly opened gash. Quietly reaching for a tissue, the clerk handed it to Emily, and pointed to her lips.

Embarrassed, Emily dabbed at the fresh blood, and whispered an apology. At the clerk's quiet smile, she felt the twinges of fear and embarrassment fade just enough away to ask for a withdrawel slip.

"Will you be able to tell me the balance on the account?" Her hand poised over the amount section as she glanced up at the clerk.

"Certainly, but if I may impose, perhaps you should come with me into the back. I have a friend I think you should speak with and she'll be able to help you get to where you need to get. I'm Beth....just Beth." The clerk gave her a quick nod of her head, and patted her hand as she spoke.

"I guess it's easy to tell why I'm here, isn't it?" Emily smiled slightly at Beth. Placing a grin on her face, Beth just slapped her closed sign on the counter, and all but bellowed, "Right this way, Mrs. Cole, and I'll be happy to show you where to open a new account."

Beth waved her along, as she briskly walked to the back of the bank, and up a flight of stairs.

Beth paused in front of a desk with a pretty blonde sitting behind it, and said, "This is Mrs. Cole here to see Jillian." The blonde smiled a welcome, and buzzed them through the door.

The Lighthouse

The lighthouse stands alone on the cliff
shining it's light out over the sea.
Through rain, and snow, and monstrous storms
it stands to protect the sailor's fleet.


I have a secret. It's a secret love of lighthouses. The stories they hold inside them, and the mystery that lay deep inside it's heart. You can climb to the top, and on quiet nights, you can hear the moans and cries of those who didn't heed the light's warning, and continued on their path to doom. Looking down you can see the waves tearing at the cliffs, as though they were trying to tear the traitorous lighthouse down from it's peak. The sea claims the lives of those who ignore the warning, and the light stands diligently upon it's perch sending out signal after signal to warn of the danger. It's an on going battle between good, and well, not so good. The sea, she hungers, and she hungers to control all that ride upon her, but the light house never backs down and keeps another feast from the hungry sea's belly. The sea in her anger throws vicious tantrums causing the wind to howl, and the rain to tear at the lone figure on the cliffs, yet the lighthouse holds true, knowing that giving up and dying would only cause those less fortunate to fall into the depths of the sea. The lighthouse sees the dangers, and sends her signal to those travelers who pass her way. She's a lone soldier, doing her duty, sparing the lives of many who float upon the sea's fascinating surface.

Lost in Time....

It's no secret that I've been searching for something my entire life. I have a very good life, a wonderful loving husband, two smart and beautiful children, a house, a car, a job....what more could I want? Well, ever since I was a youngling, I've felt that something was missing in my life. I've never quite gotten that "complete" feeling. I used to think it was my lack of having caring parents that I missed, but over time I realized that wasn't it.

I feel as though I was born in the wrong time or in the wrong place. I travel extensively because I feel like I'm searching for something. I'm obsessed with Ireland, always have been. I'm obsessed with the East Coast, also. I don't know if it's just a driving desire to SEE these places, or if I have some secret lost connection to these places. After all, Irish are known for their lore and legends. What if I posses some innate sixth sense that is encouraging me to visit these places in order to find inner peace? Perhaps this is why I'm drawn to books about Ireland or the East Coast? Perhaps I'm just a lost soul wandering aimlessly through out time? Perhaps I've had way too much caffeine. :)

Whatever it is, I'm terribly lucky to have a man in my life who supports my adventurous cravings. He's willing to let me drag him from place to place, exploring endless possibilities, and falling in love with my surroundings.

I'd always wanted to see Hawaii, and we were married there! The island itself was surrounded by gorgeous pristine waters, and sea turtles would swim right up to humans. The mountains were topped with low laying clouds, and when the rains came it, it was a truly breathtaking site to see. Watching the waves gently lapping the shores, or crashing angrily against rocks was so mesmerizing to me. Never in my life had I ever imagined seeing something so beautiful, so untouched, so happy, and there I was during one of the happiest days of my life!

We plan on anniversaries being our "vacation" time. Unfortunately, this year it's not possible to travel, as we're working on paying off debts, getting a new car, and saving for a new home. However, for our 5th anniversary, we're hoping to travel back to Hawaii with our children in tow. How lovely would it be for them to see what their parents saw? How incredible the memories will be to see the islands again for the first time through their eyes? It'll be a great way to express our love for one another, and bring our children into our little secret world of wonder and celebrations.

We've got Ireland planned for our 10th or 15th anniversaries. A little research helped us plan that little endeavor. Did you know, that Ireland is very inexpensive? We found a cottage, fully stocked for 150 pounds a week, 3 bedroom, full kitchen, 2 bathroom, on a cliff.....what more could you ask for? Also, it's very close to one of my most desired places in County Clare near Ennis. I can't wait to just go and wake up to the sounds and smells of Ireland. How neat will it be to sit in a pub, and listen to the singers and familiar voices telling tall tales, and sharing life in Ireland? How fun would it be to ride horses along the beach, or brood over the cliffs of Mohr? How exciting will it be to wander through cemeteries and old castles and remains? My heart is beating frantically just THINKING about it.

Funny how my anniversaries are already somewhat planned. It's this adventurous side that leaves me feeling discontent. I'm a daydreamer, and I can't sit still for long periods of time. I ache to Go, Go, Go....and feel the ordinary is so mundane. It's for that reason alone, that I'm ashamed of that rebellious side of myself. I do have so much in my life, and I can't think of that gift from God as mundane. It's a blessing to have what I have, and my heart tells me so. So, even if at times I do feel a little sad for the things I have yet to do, I feel a softer contentment in the things that I have already done. Funny how as we grow, and learn, we also develop a greater sense of what life is about. I guess that is why once we've figured it all out, it's our time to be called to God, so that we don't accidentally leak that information to the younger, less knowledgeable youth, who are still searching for their destiny.

Maybe some day, I'll be able to pen a book. To sit still long enough, to dive into something that I know I truly love, and to feel that sense of contentment grow even more. Perhaps I'll never reach that goal, but in my husband, children, friends and family, will feel that my life was, after all, a complete masterpiece.

What to do....

Logan is my beautiful, blue eyed baby boy...here lately though, he's discovered parts of himself, and I'm not overly sure what to do about that.

The other day, he's walking around the house with his hands in his undies...."Logan, what are you doing?" I say, to which he responds, "I'm playing with my balls." OMG..."Logan, why are you playing with your balls?" "Because, Mommy, There's 2 beans in there." Oh gee...."Logan, those aren't beans, they're your balls, stop playing with them." "But mommy, I like them."

Okay...he likes them. *sigh* I guess in some way, shape or form guys just LOVE to play with themselves. After all, how many times do you see a man constantly jiggling his "junk" in public places? It's a common fact that men just like to touch it, but not my baby boy!!!! I'm at a complete loss as to what to do about all of this, and Brian's response? "It's normal...leave him alone." Okay...it's normal for you because you have them...to me it's gross. I don't want you playing with your package in front of me, and I certainly don't want to see my baby doing it. I am not looking forward to the "exploratory" years. I don't think my innocent sensibilities can handle it. ;)

On another note, Logan is so adorable, (when he's not playing with his "beans"). Every night we read the kids stories before bed. It's my little way of insuring that books will be a part of their lives. Well, Logan loves the Very Hungry Caterpillar. So, he's memorized it! Well, the other night, Logan tells Brian, "No, daddy! I will read it to you!" So, I grab my camera, which has a video camera built in and recorded him "reading" his book! He's so clever, and he gets so excited about everything. Maybe I have a little actor on my hands, who knows? I just know that he's so cute, and I so enjoyed his little reading session! :)

So, my daughter wants to dance. She's so cute, every time music comes on, she's up twirling on her toes. She's the most precious thing I've ever seen. We're currently looking into dance classes for her. Well, this morning, they were showing a commercial for the Russian Ballet doing Sleeping Beauty, and Kylee goes..."OH MOMMY!!! Badderinas!!!" Awwwwww! Logan exclaims from behind her, "Kylee! It's you!" (he's very supportive of his sister's dancing aspirations) So, now I'm wondering if Kylee is too young to be taken to a ballet, maybe I should start smaller, eh? I can not wait until the day I am watching her perform her little recitals. I never got to do that sort of thing, rather, I put on little recitals in my living room for my grandma. :( I miss those days. Grandma was wonderful because she bought me tap shoes, and ballet shoes, even if I wasn't in the actual class. I used to LOVE to tap across her hard wood floors, and even if my "dancing" wasn't exactly structured or good, she always clapped and hugged me and supported me. Now, it's my turn to support my daughter. Even if she decides that dance isn't what she really wants to do, and ice hockey is...I'll enjoy just being there to cheer her on from the sidelines!

I guess in some ways it's okay to live vicariously through your children? We were too poor to afford proper dance instruction, or art lessons, or gymnastics, so we often attempted our own little antics. But I'd like to be able to provide those lessons for my kids, the real lessons.....I think it'll be like a dream come true for me to see my baby girl in a tutu, and to watch my little boy running down a field chasing a ball. :)

New Journey.....and then some

Today I'm starting a new journey. I know it's been done a million times, but this is my own personal milestone. I'm embarking on a new journey to become the person that I want to be, and not just what everyone else wants me to be. I'm seeking the path to a smaller, lighter, me. :) Yes, I know...woohoo...weightloss. Well, for some it's an on again, off again love affair of loving the new you, but hating the "calorie counting" that takes place. For me, it's not so much of that. Okay, so I've done the weight loss boomerang for quite a few years now, but this time, it's not really a weight loss, as much as a "I have to set a good example for my kids." If they see me eating right, they will....right? Logan is beginning to worry me. He's very much on the thin side, yet he's beginning to eat more and more. He's beginning to have 2nd and 3rd helpings of his dinner, and wanting more and more to snack on. Oh, I know the old adage, boys will be boys, but with the rate of childhood obesity in this day and age, it terrifies me that he's eating this way. I make healthy dinners, and he eats well, and gets his fruits and veggies in, but why is he eating SO MUCH!? My daughter is another thing that worries me. Kylee has never been a picky eater, and it really hurts me to hear Brian call her the "fat cheerleader". I was the fat cheerleader, and it's not funny to be called "Chubby" or "Pork chop" or "tubby". :( It hurts MY feelings when people say, "what cute fat children you have!" (Okay, they're NOT fat, and according to their doctor, they are both in the 30 percentile in weight, but chubby cheeks are deceiving.) So, in my efforts to be lighter, I'm hoping to teach my children portion control, and how to balance their hunger cravings with healthier choices.

I'm also beginning a new job next week. One that brings me closer to home, and my children. It is my hopes that I will be able to get my children involved in activities. My sister is a member of the YMCA, and I'm so looking forward to getting Logan involved in Soccer this summer. He is really into running, and balls, so I think this will fit his little hearts desire. As for my pretty ballerina...she wants to dance! She really liked watching the tap dancers on TV with me the other day, and she LOVES seeing ballet dancers and ice skaters. It is my hopes to get them both involved in what they love. This new job will help with that, as it's only 15 minutes from my home, and gives me time to be there for my kids.

I always thought I could be the "commuter" mom. The one that didn't mind working so far from home because the money was worth it. But, when I realized that I was not only not involved in my children's lives, but totally grumpy and mean by the time I got home from slaying the traffic demons, I knew it was time for a change. A change that would put me as mom again, and not as monster lady who was too tired to play with her kids. It makes me proud to be a mom, and my kids are my life, but when my career started superseding that, it was time to move on. So, hopefully this new journey is a blessing, and hopefully my children will know that their mommy loves them dearly, and wants to be with them, as a mother, not as an enemy.