Breast Cancer.

I've had a lot going on in my life recently. From the dreaded money problems, to accepting my children are growing up on me, to worrying about the horrors of breast cancer.

Recently, I woke in the morning and found that my right breast was swollen (more than normal), hot to the touch, and extremely sore. So, I made an appt to see my OB/GYN. He assured me that b/c of my age, it's more than likely just an infection. He prescribed mega drugs, and sent me on my merry way. After taking the meds, which made me SO SICK, I might add, I discovered that though the infection was no longer there, there was still something VERY wrong with my breast. It's still tender to the touch, red, swollen, and the nipple area is very puffy. *great* So, I'm informed to make an appointment for an ultra sound. *yay*

So, basically what we're trying to rule out right now is breast cancer. This scares me stupid. The type of breast cancer that it *may* be is called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It's a rare, aggressive form of cancer that is more prevailent in younger women. It's so aggressive that one of the only ways to "get rid of it" is to have a mastectomy. Okay....I've always HATED being extremely large breasted, but I really cried like crazy when I thought about losing them....ALL of them. The first thing that went through my mind, and I'm certain that any woman with breast cancer thinks this, is "Will my husband still love me if I have no breasts?"

Fighting back the shame, I finally had a talk with my husband about it. I cried, telling him how it scares me to know that he may leave me b/c I'd be deformed, and if he leaves me, what other man would want a deformed broken woman? Okay, so vanity really kicks in when you're faced with the possibility of losing something that you think makes you a woman. I explained it to him like this..."It's like...how would you feel if they told you, they'd have to cut your penis off?" Not very nice, and I'm sure he crossed his legs in fear. He did his best to reassure me that he loves me more than life, and that even without breasts, he'd love me, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep imagining him becoming horrified to look at me again, and how could he possibly be attracted to a hideous person like me?

I'm scared beyond reason. Yes, it's possible there is something completely simple that can be fixed in there to stop the pain. Yes, it's likely that there isn't cancer in there, but when you're faced with the possibilities, it's terrifying. On top of that, I feel insanely guilty for thinking of my vanity, when I should be thinking of my life! Not to mention, I feel guilty for feeling these things because there are women in the world who have been through this, and have suffered, and are greatful they're alive, even without breasts, and I wonder if they ever felt the way I do.

I'm praying that it's not cancer. I'm praying that if it IS cancer, it's not IBC because it's got a low survival rate, and I'm praying that I'm able to live, fight, and pull through this. I'm scared, terrified really. I don't know what else to do but to ask God to do His will, and lead me where He wants me to go.

So, hug the women in your life. Hug them hard, tell them you love them, then pray that there are cures every day for every type of cancer. God Bless.