Well....I was nervous...I think my Tatas were more nervous than me. I enter the building, and sit in a waiting room. There, 2 other ladies and 2 men sit waiting. A 3rd lady comes out from the back into the room, crying. She'd just been given the good news that she did NOT have breast cancer. The other 2 ladies and one man hugged her hard, I just smiled and continued to fill out my paperwork. They all held hands, and said a prayer. Then, they included me in their prayer. There was this warm, tingly feeling inside me that had tears springing to my eyes. They smiled at me, and left. The 2nd man went to his car. (I think he was offended by the prayer....OH WELL!) I sat alone, and in walks a petite nurse.
"Follow me, please." She's VERY nice, instructs me on how to wear my gown, open to the front, and to put on a white robe and wait to be called. The second waiting room is very quiet and peaceful. I sit, twiddling my thumbs and feeling the flutters and that odd warm sensation in my tummy. Of course, I texted Rene to tell her that God was with me....and He was. I felt Him.
The Radiologist Tech came in, "HI! My name is Oxana. I'll be taking care of you today." She's small. (It must be a pre-requisite to work here that you have to be petite) She's from India, maybe Pakistan and has a thickish accent, that I find charming and relaxing. I lay on the bed, and she opens the gown. The entire time, I'm not uncomfortable because she's so soothing in how she's talking to me. Finally...the goop. I cringe, just KNOWING it'll be cold, but it's not. It's very soothing and warm, and smells of some type of flower. COOL!
She's chatting with me the entire time, taking my mind off of everything. I'm watching the screen...half expecting to see a little foot or head. Pregnancy ultra sounds are just way cooler, the inside of your boob is very boring. I tense up every time she "snaps a picture" and think..."this is it....that's the cancer...." Finally, she hands me 2 towels, and says, "Go ahead and clean up, and I'll be back with the radiologist. He may want to scan you again."
So, I sit. Then, I sit.....and oh I sit some more. Finally, I get tired of sitting so I lay down...and doze. The room is very dim, and all of the 'white noise' from the machines is soooo soothing, and off to never-never land I go. I startle at the sound of the door open, and groggily sit up to see the first tall person in the building. He's the Radiologist..."Hi, I'm Dr.........(I can NOT remember his name)." He asks me 300 questions about cancer in my family, if I've had a fever, etc. Then he says, "Open your gown, let me look at both of them together." For the first time all day, I felt exposed and uncomfortable. When I opened my gown, I swear it was like peep show! LOL
Finally, he scans me again, and then we're done.
"Well," he says, "I can't see anything that has fluid in it. I'm going to suggest we put you on another round of antibiotics, and see how it goes." Then we discussed the possibility that my IUD could be causing the infections. See, most IUDs are metal wires, but noooooo, I got the Mirena, which has hormones in it. The type of hormone in the IUD is different than the pill, and b/c I just had it put in, it could be giving off high doses of hormone that is causing the infection. "And you know," the dr. says, "your uterus is attached to your breasts." I think he was trying to be funny....but it was wasted on me. So then he says, that we're going to do another round of antibiotics, and he wants me to take the IUD out. I'm not happy about this at all, especially since I was informed I can't take birth control anymore. So, now, Brian and I are faced with "the big question". Do we want more kids? We can't afford more, now, and do we really want to go through the sleepless nights, diapers, baby food expenses, child care expenses again??? The answer is most decidedly no. So, I'm very very sad. I think I'm more sad that the option is about to be taken away from me, more so than not having a baby. (Brenny, you understand what I mean) So.....now Brian is going to be getting a vasectomy as soon as we can afford to do it. *sigh*
So...the jist is this.....Get IUD out, get back on Antibiotics, wait 3-4 months to see if A) it doesn't get better or B) it comes back.....if either of those occur, I will need to return for a skin biopsy.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Breast Cancer.
I've had a lot going on in my life recently. From the dreaded money problems, to accepting my children are growing up on me, to worrying about the horrors of breast cancer.
Recently, I woke in the morning and found that my right breast was swollen (more than normal), hot to the touch, and extremely sore. So, I made an appt to see my OB/GYN. He assured me that b/c of my age, it's more than likely just an infection. He prescribed mega drugs, and sent me on my merry way. After taking the meds, which made me SO SICK, I might add, I discovered that though the infection was no longer there, there was still something VERY wrong with my breast. It's still tender to the touch, red, swollen, and the nipple area is very puffy. *great* So, I'm informed to make an appointment for an ultra sound. *yay*
So, basically what we're trying to rule out right now is breast cancer. This scares me stupid. The type of breast cancer that it *may* be is called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It's a rare, aggressive form of cancer that is more prevailent in younger women. It's so aggressive that one of the only ways to "get rid of it" is to have a mastectomy. Okay....I've always HATED being extremely large breasted, but I really cried like crazy when I thought about losing them....ALL of them. The first thing that went through my mind, and I'm certain that any woman with breast cancer thinks this, is "Will my husband still love me if I have no breasts?"
Fighting back the shame, I finally had a talk with my husband about it. I cried, telling him how it scares me to know that he may leave me b/c I'd be deformed, and if he leaves me, what other man would want a deformed broken woman? Okay, so vanity really kicks in when you're faced with the possibility of losing something that you think makes you a woman. I explained it to him like this..."It's like...how would you feel if they told you, they'd have to cut your penis off?" Not very nice, and I'm sure he crossed his legs in fear. He did his best to reassure me that he loves me more than life, and that even without breasts, he'd love me, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep imagining him becoming horrified to look at me again, and how could he possibly be attracted to a hideous person like me?
I'm scared beyond reason. Yes, it's possible there is something completely simple that can be fixed in there to stop the pain. Yes, it's likely that there isn't cancer in there, but when you're faced with the possibilities, it's terrifying. On top of that, I feel insanely guilty for thinking of my vanity, when I should be thinking of my life! Not to mention, I feel guilty for feeling these things because there are women in the world who have been through this, and have suffered, and are greatful they're alive, even without breasts, and I wonder if they ever felt the way I do.
I'm praying that it's not cancer. I'm praying that if it IS cancer, it's not IBC because it's got a low survival rate, and I'm praying that I'm able to live, fight, and pull through this. I'm scared, terrified really. I don't know what else to do but to ask God to do His will, and lead me where He wants me to go.
So, hug the women in your life. Hug them hard, tell them you love them, then pray that there are cures every day for every type of cancer. God Bless.
Recently, I woke in the morning and found that my right breast was swollen (more than normal), hot to the touch, and extremely sore. So, I made an appt to see my OB/GYN. He assured me that b/c of my age, it's more than likely just an infection. He prescribed mega drugs, and sent me on my merry way. After taking the meds, which made me SO SICK, I might add, I discovered that though the infection was no longer there, there was still something VERY wrong with my breast. It's still tender to the touch, red, swollen, and the nipple area is very puffy. *great* So, I'm informed to make an appointment for an ultra sound. *yay*
So, basically what we're trying to rule out right now is breast cancer. This scares me stupid. The type of breast cancer that it *may* be is called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It's a rare, aggressive form of cancer that is more prevailent in younger women. It's so aggressive that one of the only ways to "get rid of it" is to have a mastectomy. Okay....I've always HATED being extremely large breasted, but I really cried like crazy when I thought about losing them....ALL of them. The first thing that went through my mind, and I'm certain that any woman with breast cancer thinks this, is "Will my husband still love me if I have no breasts?"
Fighting back the shame, I finally had a talk with my husband about it. I cried, telling him how it scares me to know that he may leave me b/c I'd be deformed, and if he leaves me, what other man would want a deformed broken woman? Okay, so vanity really kicks in when you're faced with the possibility of losing something that you think makes you a woman. I explained it to him like this..."It's like...how would you feel if they told you, they'd have to cut your penis off?" Not very nice, and I'm sure he crossed his legs in fear. He did his best to reassure me that he loves me more than life, and that even without breasts, he'd love me, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep imagining him becoming horrified to look at me again, and how could he possibly be attracted to a hideous person like me?
I'm scared beyond reason. Yes, it's possible there is something completely simple that can be fixed in there to stop the pain. Yes, it's likely that there isn't cancer in there, but when you're faced with the possibilities, it's terrifying. On top of that, I feel insanely guilty for thinking of my vanity, when I should be thinking of my life! Not to mention, I feel guilty for feeling these things because there are women in the world who have been through this, and have suffered, and are greatful they're alive, even without breasts, and I wonder if they ever felt the way I do.
I'm praying that it's not cancer. I'm praying that if it IS cancer, it's not IBC because it's got a low survival rate, and I'm praying that I'm able to live, fight, and pull through this. I'm scared, terrified really. I don't know what else to do but to ask God to do His will, and lead me where He wants me to go.
So, hug the women in your life. Hug them hard, tell them you love them, then pray that there are cures every day for every type of cancer. God Bless.
Baby Grace
I'm so incredibly sad about this. In October, a fisherman, found a little girl in a plastic box on one of Galveston's uninhibited beaches. The little girl had been "dead for several weeks" and suffered from "head trauma". It's been weeks, and though there are hundreds of calls coming in for possibilities...no one has yet claimed this poor little girl. She's approximately 2-3 years old and weighed about 35 pounds. It saddens me b/c someone had to love this little girl....and she's alone and nameless, and even though I know she's with God now....she deserves to be laid to rest in peace.
Here is a web site that has a depiction of Baby Grace, information about what she was last wearing, and how you can help. Please pray for this little angel. God's got her now, but we need to find out who she was.
www.baby-grace.org
Here is a web site that has a depiction of Baby Grace, information about what she was last wearing, and how you can help. Please pray for this little angel. God's got her now, but we need to find out who she was.
www.baby-grace.org
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Children.....and the things they say.
My children are brats. I love them dearly, but here are some things that just make me laugh so incredibly hard.
Scene 1: Logan and Kylee are playing with Kylee's doll house, and Kylee, being the boss that she is, is telling Logan exactly how/what/when things will happen. Apparently Logan disagrees and carries on his merry way. With that being said, I hear....
Kylee-"Wogan, stop!"
Logan-"la la la"
Kylee-"Wogan, I said STOP! Do it THIS way. WOGAN!!!!" (I'm picturing 3 year old curses right about now.)
Logan-"Kylee...I can do it this way if I wanna."
Kylee-"Wogan! I'm gonna hit you!"
Logan-"No you're not. I'll tell mommy."
Kylee-"WOGAN! I'm gonna hit you!" SMACK
Logan-(SCREAM)"MOMMY!"
Scene 2: Logan and Kylee are now playing on the doll house with Logan's cars and trucks. They have decided that the front frame of the house makes a really stellar race track
Logan-"Kylee, we have to make the cars go this way, around the track, okay?"
Kylee-"Okay."
Logan-"Kylee, I said this way." (Apparently Kylee still isn't cooperating.) "KYLEE! I said this way...no....NO!...NOT THAT WAY!!!!! MOMMY!!!!"
Kylee-"Wogan...you're such a baby." (I hear a BIG sigh, as she storms off into the living room.)
Scene 3: Logan has decided he's simply had enough of Kylee's crap. So, he goes into his room and closes the door. (Now, we want the kids to know we value their privacy, so they're fully entitled to go into their rooms to be alone when they like. Kylee, however, doesn't agree with our parenting)
Kylee-"Wogan! Wet me in the room!"
Logan-"No, I don't want to play with you right now."
Kylee-"Mommy! Make him wet me in!" (The tears are starting to work their way to the surface)
Logan-(cracking the door just a tad) "Kylee, I don't want to play with you right now. You made me mad. I want to be alone." (Slams door in her face. BTW...how can he SLAM a door that was only open two inches?)
Kylee-(is now sitting in front of his door, hands splayed on the white surface with monster sized tears just ROLLING down her face.) "Wogan! Pwease! I need to pway with you."
Logan-(apparently feeling a bit guilty for being ugly) "Okay, Kylee. You can come in now."
Kylee-(Showing how bratty she can be) "I don't want to pway with you now! You Butthole!" (Yes, she really called him a butt hole. I bit my tongue trying not to laugh...)
Scene 1: Logan and Kylee are playing with Kylee's doll house, and Kylee, being the boss that she is, is telling Logan exactly how/what/when things will happen. Apparently Logan disagrees and carries on his merry way. With that being said, I hear....
Kylee-"Wogan, stop!"
Logan-"la la la"
Kylee-"Wogan, I said STOP! Do it THIS way. WOGAN!!!!" (I'm picturing 3 year old curses right about now.)
Logan-"Kylee...I can do it this way if I wanna."
Kylee-"Wogan! I'm gonna hit you!"
Logan-"No you're not. I'll tell mommy."
Kylee-"WOGAN! I'm gonna hit you!" SMACK
Logan-(SCREAM)"MOMMY!"
Scene 2: Logan and Kylee are now playing on the doll house with Logan's cars and trucks. They have decided that the front frame of the house makes a really stellar race track
Logan-"Kylee, we have to make the cars go this way, around the track, okay?"
Kylee-"Okay."
Logan-"Kylee, I said this way." (Apparently Kylee still isn't cooperating.) "KYLEE! I said this way...no....NO!...NOT THAT WAY!!!!! MOMMY!!!!"
Kylee-"Wogan...you're such a baby." (I hear a BIG sigh, as she storms off into the living room.)
Scene 3: Logan has decided he's simply had enough of Kylee's crap. So, he goes into his room and closes the door. (Now, we want the kids to know we value their privacy, so they're fully entitled to go into their rooms to be alone when they like. Kylee, however, doesn't agree with our parenting)
Kylee-"Wogan! Wet me in the room!"
Logan-"No, I don't want to play with you right now."
Kylee-"Mommy! Make him wet me in!" (The tears are starting to work their way to the surface)
Logan-(cracking the door just a tad) "Kylee, I don't want to play with you right now. You made me mad. I want to be alone." (Slams door in her face. BTW...how can he SLAM a door that was only open two inches?)
Kylee-(is now sitting in front of his door, hands splayed on the white surface with monster sized tears just ROLLING down her face.) "Wogan! Pwease! I need to pway with you."
Logan-(apparently feeling a bit guilty for being ugly) "Okay, Kylee. You can come in now."
Kylee-(Showing how bratty she can be) "I don't want to pway with you now! You Butthole!" (Yes, she really called him a butt hole. I bit my tongue trying not to laugh...)
Pregnancy avoidance....is this really worth it?
Dude...what is UP with my hormones? This is a tad personal, just FYI. So, in July I had an IUD put in because Brian and I can't seem to agree if we want more kids or not. So, I had this device inserted into my nether regions to buy us some time before anything permanent happens. Everyone I know with one, has NO problems. So, why do I have to have all of the problems? Firstly...I suffer from migraines...and one of the side effects is migraines. So, I've had a magraine a day since July, and ran out of my migraine meds. I call in my prescription....and guess what. They don't make it anymore. SO, now I'm waiting to see if my doc will send them a new one...or if I have to go see him.
Secondly...I'm on a constant roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if I'm happy, sad, mad, etc. One minute I'm breezing by, the next I'm madder than hell. Lovely.
Lastly....my body obviously doesn't want the thing in there b/c I'm cramping all the damn time, and gross things are happening down there. I'm half tempted to just get the sucker removed and take my chances. Then again....no I'm not. I love my kids, but one more of them and I may run off to a place unknown. (If I name the place here, and I run off, they'll find me...get it?)
Oh well....I'll see how I feel in 4 months...that is when all these side effects are supposed to subside afterall.
Secondly...I'm on a constant roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if I'm happy, sad, mad, etc. One minute I'm breezing by, the next I'm madder than hell. Lovely.
Lastly....my body obviously doesn't want the thing in there b/c I'm cramping all the damn time, and gross things are happening down there. I'm half tempted to just get the sucker removed and take my chances. Then again....no I'm not. I love my kids, but one more of them and I may run off to a place unknown. (If I name the place here, and I run off, they'll find me...get it?)
Oh well....I'll see how I feel in 4 months...that is when all these side effects are supposed to subside afterall.
Night out with the 'rents.
I've been very stressed lately about finances. So, we'll be honest...who hasn't, right? So, today, feeling a tad more melencholy than usual, I decide to meet the parents at BINGO. Yeah...old people stuff...but what better way to sit and not do anything yet still be occupied?
Anyway, my mom is on some really wicked drugs for her neuropathy, and they tend to make her a bit spacey. So I'm sitting beside her, and out of the corner of my eye I see her staring at her arms as though they were foreign objects.
"Mom....yes, they're arms...you have two of them" I say cheesily at her. She then looks at me with the most classic "What the hell" expression on her face....and I say,
"Mom, you look like you just discovered you had arms." She starts laughing and nearly falls out of her chair and says, "I was looking at the scars on my arms you turd." Ahhh, parents.
Anyway, my mom is on some really wicked drugs for her neuropathy, and they tend to make her a bit spacey. So I'm sitting beside her, and out of the corner of my eye I see her staring at her arms as though they were foreign objects.
"Mom....yes, they're arms...you have two of them" I say cheesily at her. She then looks at me with the most classic "What the hell" expression on her face....and I say,
"Mom, you look like you just discovered you had arms." She starts laughing and nearly falls out of her chair and says, "I was looking at the scars on my arms you turd." Ahhh, parents.
Monday, September 3, 2007
I'm cursed....
A few years ago, I had it in my head that Brian and I should have a romantic weekend, just the two of us, in New Orleans. Oh, I had it planned down to the last minute. A wonderful two night stay in a fancy Bed & Breakfast, cozy romantic dinner, Beignets, coffee, touring the museums and cemeteries. It was a great too do in my book. Alas, financial issues kept us home rather than touring the exotic city. Then....Katrina happened. I was/am so sad. I love New Orleans! I really truly do, and I fully plan on going back.
THEN...we get engaged. We began planning our wedding, which only ended up with me in tears and stressed out about food, dresses and who is going to be my bride's maid. *sigh* So, in the midst of our wedding planning, we decided to elope in Hawaii instead. So, we booked our trip a full 9 months in advance. We were going to stay in a posh beach front hotel with a beach view lanai. We were going to enjoy cultural festivities such as Luaus, snorkeling, and polynesian shows. It was to be a grand time indeed. We enter the plane, and fly for nearly 8 hours when the pilot comes online to inform us that Hawaii was hit by a major earth quake. The first earthquake to hit the islands since 1981, I might add. We were the only plane that was allowed to land and take off that day. Well, for 3 days to be exact. Our first day in Hawaii had no electricity, no food, and it rained. Don't be sad, it was a wonderful time no matter what!
So, Then, Brian and I started planning a family trip to Belize. Yes, we like to travel to places where there are wonderful beaches. Not to mention that Belize itself is a stunning country that happens to border Guatemala. We figured this could be an advantageous trip with the beaches for fun, jungles and a quick trip over the border to see the Mayan Ruins. Educational and fun all in one shot! I was extremely excited to find that we could rent a cabin on the beach for 7 days for near nothing. I was also pleased to see that there was so much to do there in that small British country in the Carribbean. Alas, yet another crises has hit. A few weeks ago, a Category 4 hurricane plowed straight through Belize, and this week a Category 5 is heading straight there. What have I done to Mother Nature to have her this angry with me?
So, now I'm planning a trip with one of my best friends to visit another best friend in Michigan. I'm almost too terrified to go. I mean...what possibly horrendous thing could happen next? I think I shall simply remain home with my proverbial head buried in the sand. Oh, I hope she knows what she's getting into with having me come visit her.
As you can see...this is why I feel I'm cursed. If you see my name on your list to come stay at your hotel in your country....please don't poisen my food. I really can't possibly imagine why this is happening. Besides...if I could sway some higher power...couldn't I sway the Gods to be thinner instead?
THEN...we get engaged. We began planning our wedding, which only ended up with me in tears and stressed out about food, dresses and who is going to be my bride's maid. *sigh* So, in the midst of our wedding planning, we decided to elope in Hawaii instead. So, we booked our trip a full 9 months in advance. We were going to stay in a posh beach front hotel with a beach view lanai. We were going to enjoy cultural festivities such as Luaus, snorkeling, and polynesian shows. It was to be a grand time indeed. We enter the plane, and fly for nearly 8 hours when the pilot comes online to inform us that Hawaii was hit by a major earth quake. The first earthquake to hit the islands since 1981, I might add. We were the only plane that was allowed to land and take off that day. Well, for 3 days to be exact. Our first day in Hawaii had no electricity, no food, and it rained. Don't be sad, it was a wonderful time no matter what!
So, Then, Brian and I started planning a family trip to Belize. Yes, we like to travel to places where there are wonderful beaches. Not to mention that Belize itself is a stunning country that happens to border Guatemala. We figured this could be an advantageous trip with the beaches for fun, jungles and a quick trip over the border to see the Mayan Ruins. Educational and fun all in one shot! I was extremely excited to find that we could rent a cabin on the beach for 7 days for near nothing. I was also pleased to see that there was so much to do there in that small British country in the Carribbean. Alas, yet another crises has hit. A few weeks ago, a Category 4 hurricane plowed straight through Belize, and this week a Category 5 is heading straight there. What have I done to Mother Nature to have her this angry with me?
So, now I'm planning a trip with one of my best friends to visit another best friend in Michigan. I'm almost too terrified to go. I mean...what possibly horrendous thing could happen next? I think I shall simply remain home with my proverbial head buried in the sand. Oh, I hope she knows what she's getting into with having me come visit her.
As you can see...this is why I feel I'm cursed. If you see my name on your list to come stay at your hotel in your country....please don't poisen my food. I really can't possibly imagine why this is happening. Besides...if I could sway some higher power...couldn't I sway the Gods to be thinner instead?
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